Who is this masked woman?

Who is this masked woman?

C'est La Vie

"That's why [Aimee's] hair is so big, it's full of secrets."

"...evil takes a human form in [Aimee Rowe]. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that. [Aimee's] the queen bee - the star, [Everyone else] are just her little workers". ~ Mean Girls2

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

It drips down, down, down.

Just my soul.

Its down there, in the muck.
I've had a run of bad luck of late.

Not that anyone here cares, I don't have any followers as yet.  *sigh* 
I am in the boat by myself and just rowing along.  I guess it's okay.

I've been feeling the walls of the loneliness again.  It feels bleak right now.
Trapped here in Charleston.

Working and waiting.
Forever waiting for things to happen.
Shouldn't I  be making things happen?  But, all my ideas are 'crazy' and foolhardy and rash.

Like, just moving to Australia for no reason, just packing up one night and driving to Austin or just going to Mexico and never being seen again.

Perfection.  Those ideas are perfection.  I'm the only one who thinks so so I day dream about these things.
Who or what am I running from?
(myself, aren't you?)

But, WHY??? is the big question.  I hate my skin, the one that I live in, I want a change a difference.
Implying work doesn't?  It does...ughh..MORE FUCKING WORK.
Tired of that too.  Luckily, I'm not the only one in that broke down boat.
I don't know what I'm going to do...
I want to do something like this "DO OVER!!!"
Lets just do the whole DAMNED thing over. Please???...

okay its midnight and I'm tired.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010


The begining voice over on the movie "Peacock" ends with the words:
"I don't love you anymore."

Those five words reminded me of the time that I said them. I remembered saying them and how they felt in my mouth, how those words felt in my body.

Even to my ears, those five softly spoken words cut so deep, creating a hollow, a cavity so fathomless that it felt like a thousand echoes. Bouncing off a million walls, towards a blackness that could not be imagined only to reverbrate against the black for eternity.
(However long an eternity feels; a second? A minute? A year? Ten thousand years?)
I don't really know where I am going this. I don't really know how long the internet is gonna last for me to finish this note.
This note that has nothing, to do with nothing.

I suppose, tonight when I heard those five words. I never realized how much they could hurt another soul, until I imagined those words being said to me by my Beloved. I imagined those quietly spoken words thrown into my face like ice water, freezing me to my very bones. And I thought, how can one live after hearing those words from the one that has enraptured your heart?
I don't know.
I don't even really want to think about it. Although, I already have here.
Do you know what it makes me feel?
Like I just want to tell my Beloved "I love you, I love you, I LOVE you. Until the stars burn out.
I've been thinking not just about this but about HOW to love, the mechanics of it. There is no simple formula or model that you can put a person into and follow it. Ensuring they will feel the love that you send out to them, express to them, show them. It is different for each person. The key is to find out what makes them ((feel)) your love, so that they know it.

And that part calls for supreme unselfishness by setting one's own issues/lens/filters/judgements/examples/expectations of whatever aside and really seeing that person without all the roles on.
Maybe some of you already know this, and I am just figuring this out or something.
I am gonna work better on this. I am too selfish, to set in my ways, too egoccentric I feel at times. Today, I suppose I felt like a mouth just hanging open with a tummy that never gets full. That is not a partnership, its an ego-state. And I am not just me, anymore..there is two of us.
Two of us.

We both deserve love, we both deserve mutual respect, honesty and the ability to feel supported and taken-care of. Not just I being taken care of, but BOTH of us.
I guess that is why those words, hit me so hard tonight. I never want to hear those words from my Beloved and the only way to do that; is to love him the way that he sees it best..and I am going to make sure I am a pro at it, if it takes me 1,000 years to learn his ways, it will not be for nothing.


Sunday, 30 May 2010

"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I've been thinking of late.
Not that any of it is grand or truly wonderful.
But, I have been thinking, and the thoughts have been kind of morose.  Kind of dark.  It started with a question in the wee hours of the night.

AJR asked me the other night (about a week ago), well it wasn't night it was about 4 or 5 a.m.  "What is going to happen in a hundred years?"

"Nothing..you will be dead and life will go on."

Does that sound horrible?  Does that sound like we should even continue to live?  It does, I mean..we ought to be living each day into itself, enjoying our time, enjoying the moments of joy, uncertainty, peace, happiness, passion and anger.  Shouldn't we?

To be honest, its been a bit of a mental rollercoaster the last 4 days.  See, I'm in England, I want to stay here to be with AJR.  We had an opportunity, we let it go.  The thing is, is that it could have gone one of two ways.  Paradise or the lake of burning fire.   I like to think it would have gone to paradise.   I still, in my heart of hearts continue to believe that it would have been, could have been this lovely-glorious-love fulfilled dream to reality type of thing.

But, we let it go.

I don't know if it would have been a good idea, we will never know.  The path has changed, the circumstances different, and now we are back to the original plan.  

How do I really feel?

Somewhat sad, heartbroken and yes well to put it like AJR "disillusioned."

But, this is the part where one has to buck up and just take things as they are...we will get there, one day as long as our hearts are strong and our spirits are co-joined on the path that we endeavour together.

And about the quote??

The abyss has been staring back at me for months now.
The Jaguar

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Humbly, it starts.

"Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Roster. You know what I'm saying?"

— David Sedaris (Me Talk Pretty One Day)
Okay, fine. 
 Here I am starting a damned blog. 
 I thought if fifty million other people can blog about what they are cooking, I can blog about what I'm 'cooking' too.  Cooking up ideas, schemes and situations.  Ohhh..and I have plenty of those 'situations.'  They come up rather frequently. 
Oh, not to switch the subject too much, but I've been warned TWICE.
By guess Who?..AJR He has warned me; to not write about depressing things, morbid things, things that will "bring the sados" around.  He encouraged me to write about politics and world events...BORING..who wants to read about that??  When one can just pick up the newspaper (which is outdated at this point.) or click on Foxnews.com getting a fucking daily dose of depression that way??...no, no, NO..
.I replied that I didn't know what I was gonna write about, and I still don't.  Nope, not one fucking clue.  I think this first blog is a GOOD indication of what's to come--a shit load of NOTHING.
BUT.  There is some hope about, that this blog will turn into something really cool, with loads of subscribers and readers..for nothing more than my literary needs.
I need to write and with that I need readers..I don't need ass kissers, or people pleasers, just causal readers that like to..well.."enter the dragon" lets just say..and experience my experience with their experience while feeling the whole experience in this huge experience oriented way.
I mean..that makes sense doesn't?
Yeahhh..I thought you would understand.
Until next time,
The Jaguar