The begining voice over on the movie "Peacock" ends with the words:
"I don't love you anymore."
Those five words reminded me of the time that I said them. I remembered saying them and how they felt in my mouth, how those words felt in my body.
Even to my ears, those five softly spoken words cut so deep, creating a hollow, a cavity so fathomless that it felt like a thousand echoes. Bouncing off a million walls, towards a blackness that could not be imagined only to reverbrate against the black for eternity.
(However long an eternity feels; a second? A minute? A year? Ten thousand years?)
I don't really know where I am going this. I don't really know how long the internet is gonna last for me to finish this note.
This note that has nothing, to do with nothing.
I suppose, tonight when I heard those five words. I never realized how much they could hurt another soul, until I imagined those words being said to me by my Beloved. I imagined those quietly spoken words thrown into my face like ice water, freezing me to my very bones. And I thought, how can one live after hearing those words from the one that has enraptured your heart?
I don't know.
I don't even really want to think about it. Although, I already have here.
Do you know what it makes me feel?
Like I just want to tell my Beloved "I love you, I love you, I LOVE you. Until the stars burn out.
I've been thinking not just about this but about HOW to love, the mechanics of it. There is no simple formula or model that you can put a person into and follow it. Ensuring they will feel the love that you send out to them, express to them, show them. It is different for each person. The key is to find out what makes them ((feel)) your love, so that they know it.
And that part calls for supreme unselfishness by setting one's own issues/lens/filters/judgements/examples/expectations of whatever aside and really seeing that person without all the roles on.
Maybe some of you already know this, and I am just figuring this out or something.
I am gonna work better on this. I am too selfish, to set in my ways, too egoccentric I feel at times. Today, I suppose I felt like a mouth just hanging open with a tummy that never gets full. That is not a partnership, its an ego-state. And I am not just me, anymore..there is two of us.
Two of us.
We both deserve love, we both deserve mutual respect, honesty and the ability to feel supported and taken-care of. Not just I being taken care of, but BOTH of us.
I guess that is why those words, hit me so hard tonight. I never want to hear those words from my Beloved and the only way to do that; is to love him the way that he sees it best..and I am going to make sure I am a pro at it, if it takes me 1,000 years to learn his ways, it will not be for nothing.